Beyond Time, Beyond Habits

Last week, I found myself wrestling with the future a lot.

My partner Dessie reminded me recently. It was painful but so on point in this moment: “You are not present at all. You’re just in the future”.

Autsch. I noticed I was avoiding something.

One reason we constantly chase a future (that often never arrives) is that the act of chasing is more comfortable than facing our pain.

Significantly, as men, we were not taught to befriend and be with it. So, to cope with that, we get lost in thought. We get lost in the pursuit of purpose. Or we engage in addictive, self-sabotaging patterns that restore perceived short-term equilibrium in the nervous system. Dopamine addiction and the need to have a lot of stimuli (something I have been working with on a personal level for years now) around.

Porn as a means to self-regulate. Way too much coffee. Alcohol. Keeping ourselves busy. Mindless scrolling that doesn’t wanna stop.

Here’s a what I find a brilliant tool that has supported me tremendously. It is called:

The enlightened NO

Let me show what it means, instead of explaining a concept:

Yesterday morning, I had my first coffee before breakfast. Often, I have another coffee during. I asked my partner Dessie if she wants one, she said yes. She asked me if I want one too. And then I pulled it out of my belt and cut through the habit, and interrupted the pattern.

“No, this time I’ll have a tea instead. This is an enlightened no.”

Now you can say it out loud or you don’t, it doesn’t matter. But saying no, and noticing the sensation that comes with it can be incredibly empowering.

If we make this quick moment of acknowledgement, we give our nervous system time to deal with the stress that comes from refusing the known and engaging in another pattern. If we don’t, then we miss an opportunity to nourish the rewiring of new habits.

The truth is: we don’t want to use porn to self-regulate. We don’t want to be addicted to alcohol. We don’t want to miss our life, and we don’t want to be busy all the time. It sometimes just feels like it is hard if not impossible to get out of the cycle.

Old patterns die hard. But they die if we commit, and are the soil for something beautiful.

The great thing there: If we let go of the burden of time and make enough space for all the grief, shame and guilt to flow through (many struggle to do that), then we every moment can become our springboard to the future. It’s normal that we fall back, fuck up and make mistakes “that we really shouldn’t do any more, because we should know by now”. That’s part of the game.

It might look like we’re falling back, but if we become aware of it, forgive, and remember why we’re doing it in the first place, we can let go. And if we let go, we can start anew with a lot of energy. It is insane how much of our life force is blocked in the past and in the future. If you’re not sure about this, ask your body where the blocks are.

This might feel weird in the beginning. But if you make enough time on a regular basis to meet all of your body-mind, you’ll see.

What really helps in that whole process is to become clear on who you want to be. This can be a profession, but must not be limited to it. It is much more important to look at the qualities you want to bring to your life experience as a human being.

The bottom line: It starts with yourself.

How you are treating your body. How you are dealing with difficult emotions. How you are leading yourself.

These are a good starting point to evaluate what needs more attention and what wants to be improved. From there, you can ask:

How do I want to treat my body?
How do I want to deal with difficult emotions?
How do I want to lead myself?

“Good”, or “Better” are not valid answers. You want to look at what kind of exercise you want to do, and why. You want to look at how much coffee you aim to drink, and what you do when the old habit kicks back in. Picture it as vividly as you can. Immerse yourself in the scenario.

Train the “Enlightened NO”. Every “Enlightened NO” is an act of leadership—first with yourself, then naturally radiating outward.

Here are some journaling prompts that I find very useful. Pick one, a blank page, and set a timer for 10 minutes.

1. What truth about your present are you avoiding by escaping into the future

2. What could shift if you said 'no' to old habits and 'yes' to your true self?

3. What would your body reveal if you asked where it’s holding you back?

Love. Christian